Feedback request – An excerpt from my latest finished story.

Hello

 

As mentioned in my last post yesterday, here is the first half of the first chapter of my demon vs hunters (searchers) tale the Searcher’s Want.  I would appreciate some feedback on it and as always if you choose to please keep it constructive. Thank You.

 

No one in the bar tonight is paying much attention to the demon except for the barman who is making good tips off him, a few women hanging off his every well-groomed and disguised word, and the searcher Aaron Watch looking to kill him without causing alarms to ring in the process.

The Catcher demon has a talent for blending in, which has been perfected over the past four hundred years or so, and hiding in plain sight using their superior disguising and survival techniques that put humans off their scent and to attempt to, which has failed so far, to repel the searchers. The makeup and strategic use of clothes covered their true, green, scaly form and to cover their talons. The Catcher was dressed well but not so much as to stick out of the crowd.

“Can I buy you a drink?” A woman said, sitting next to the demon at the bar. The Mox bar is very busy for a Tuesday night and a place well known to be an easy pick up spot for anyone looking for something that didn’t mean anything.

“I would say you can. Whiskey, please. On the rocks.” The Catcher replied, in a perfected mancunian accent. Catcher’s had become very good at sounding charming, sophisticated, and most importantly, human. Aaron sipped his water as he watched intently.

“Coming right up. Oh barman, two whiskeys please.” She said, adjusting her top ever so slightly. Aaron watched the his eyes flash yellow for an instant before returning to the human blue it had adopted. Aaron knew from looking at her that she is prime meat for this monster. She’s tall, pretty, and has a curvy figure, which is all just about held in by a tight, ill-fitting dress. She was the type of woman that frequented this bar every night of the week. The type that had a look in their eye that said they were destined for something greater but had gotten very lost along the way.

“You shouldn’t stare, you know.” a woman said, leaning against the bar and blocking Aaron’s view. The bar curved round so he could sit at the end of it and watch discreetly. He had always been good at spotting women who fancied the look of him and moving away from them whilst fulfilling a search and kill order. He was not a great looking man but he was nice enough and a lot of women thought so too. Every so often he would take advantage of this but not tonight.

“You shouldn’t talk to strangers.” he replied, before taking a big gulp of water so he could see what the demon was up to.

“I could change that for you if you like?” she said, leaning in a little more. Aaron hadn’t taken a proper look at her yet as he was trying to keep as much of his eyes as possible on his target. The woman was still flirting with the Catcher and they had just started to drink their newly acquired whiskeys.

“And how could you do that?” Aaron said, giving her as much attention as he could spare. She is very elegant, he thought, and she has nice, almost clear, light brown skin and high cheek bones. She was has a toned physique which only just fitted into her dress but she is in proportion, unlike the catcher’s whiskey drinking prey. These kinds of women could either be prostitutes or actual women. It was difficult to tell in a place like The Mox Bar.

“By flirting with you a little bit and getting to know you.” She is an actual woman. She has bright, searching eyes and seemed to be putting on a false longing just for him. He’d taught himself, through many confrontations with demons and deceiving humans, to spot falseness in an expression and body language.

“You’re a cheeky one, aren’t you?” He said with a smile. Aaron had a slightly chiselled jaw and nice hazel eyes and teeth. His brown hair touched his ears in a by design scruffy way and she took her time eyeing this and the rest of him up, which he liked. If she kept smiling, he was in. If she became serious, she would be polite until she got her drink and then she would make an excuse to leave.

“Do you like that?” she purred, leaning in a little bit more. Aaron suddenly realised where he’d seen this before. He glanced over at his target, still entertaining his ample and potential meal, and glanced back at his. She followed his eyes across the bar.

“That’s Sarah. She had her eye on you as soon you walked in. We’ve both been without men for a while so we figured we’d help each other out. I however, when asked to chat you up for her, decided I wanted you instead. She then spotted the hunch back at the bar and went straight over. He’s cute, but you’re sexy.” Her eyes changed as she finished talking. In truth, he wasn’t really listening. He was making sure his demon was occupied and quickly surmised that he couldn’t kill him until he did something. If the catcher walked out with Sarah he’d have to follow. This would mean that he had to walk out with his woman and when all four of them met for the first time, the demon would run having immediately identified that he was a searcher. Searchers can identify demons from a long distance whereas demons can only identify searchers from a short one. It’s something Aaron wanted to avoid.

“You keep looking over there. What can I do to keep you looking over here?” She said, brushing her hands against her chest nonchalantly. Aaron was interested and to find a woman who looked like she did and wasn’t a prostitute didn’t happen every day.

“Could I have your number?” he said, hoping to get the number and leave. He would wait outside for the demon and complete the order there.

“You can, but under one condition. You kiss me in such a way that would make me want to give it to you.”

“Kiss you in such a way? You don’t usually come here, do you? Or dress…in such a way.” She immediately got the sarcasm, which he was secretly thankful for. At this, her face changed and she noticeably calmed down. He glanced over and he could see that the demon was starting to charm Sarah now.

“No I don’t. I’m a secretary at a law firm in town. I usually wear suits or just casual jeans and such. I only came here because Sarah wanted to and she’s in the mood for sex.”

“That’s fair enough but you don’t have to dress like that. You could come in wearing your pyjamas and still be the prettiest woman in the room.” A more natural looking smile crossed her face and she leaned back taking something out of her handbag from over her shoulder.

“Here. It’s my business card. Call me and we’ll have a proper date.”

“Yes we will.” He’d been told enough times that he’s a ‘smooth operator’ but never really understood it. She stood up and straightened her long brown hair before moving some behind her ear. She walked off towards Sarah and the demon. Aaron looked at the card. ‘Isabella Woodley – Williams Kim & Associates Barristers and Solicitors.’ “Isabella.” He put the card in his pocket and looked back at the demon. Isabella walked over and put a hand gently on Sarah’s shoulder and whispered in her ear. Sarah nodded and as Isabella turned to walk away she stopped dead and looked at the demons neck. Aaron knew what it was immediately. Some of its make-up had smudged to reveal the green scaly skin underneath.

“What is that?” Isabella said, looking frightened. She looked over at Aaron and frowned. Did she know this was why he was there? Instinctively, Aaron got up and started to walk over to them. The demon turned and spotted him, downed his drink, and quickly walked out of the bar ahead of him. As Aaron passed, trying to look casual before a full on pursuit began, Isabella continued to frown as she watched him leave.

 

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One thought on “Feedback request – An excerpt from my latest finished story.

  1. Pingback: Oh life. It’s Bigger. | johnrsermon

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