A small slice of my NaNoWriMo 2013 novel. Constructive feedback is most welcome.

Hello

Today I’m going to share with you the first page of my 2/3 of the way finished novel for NaNoWriMo 2013, The End Solution. If you’d be so kind, could you read it and give me some constructive feedback. But before all of that, here’s a bit of a plot summary…

The government found out about the chemical, which flows through just about everyone and controls whether or not they commit a crime depending on how much of it is in their system, and how to extract it. A person who has had the chemical extracted will never commit another crime. This has led to them cleaning up the UK and making it virtually crime free. But, they rule with an iron fist and ‘remove’ anyone who talks about them in a negative way. After one of their experiments escapes and bites quiet and reserved office worker Bruce Avenly on the neck, they have achieved their ultimate dream. They have created a walking deterrent against crime. Bruce can extract the chemical when he wants by sucking it out of someone then and there. Bruce finds that everything about him ten times better and his confidence is through the roof. He is declared an outlaw after they first claim to want his help, then want him dead. Can Bruce find out the answers he needs before the chemical thirst takes over? Can he help free a scared UK out of a dictatorship? Or will he use his new found gifts to terrorize those he loves and everyone else?

Like the title says, your constructive feedback is welcome and if you have any questions, just ask. It has only been through a few edits but I’m looking for some initially reaction to it before I continue my edit. Cheers

The End Solution by John Robert Sermon.

Most of the time he struggled to smell anything else but the chemical. Bruce Avenly has been walking around like this for the last four months and the only time he didn’t smell the chemical was when he passed out due to sleep deprivation.

His face had been plastered all over the government reports and country wide newspapers. There was page after page of glorious lies that they, from the looks of things, had spent a lot of time and money on to turn the country against him. I’m now some kind of monster to be feared? He thought. He stopped walking and moved to the inside of the pavement.

“The chemical is ripe in someone close by.” He said to himself. He lent against the wall of a pub he always used to walk past on his way home. He had never been in there or ever wanted to. But he did find himself missing the routine of walking past it ten times a week to and from work. It certainly beat being an outlaw, he reasoned. He shook off his latest sentimental moment and glanced around for who it might be. He remembered that the last one took a lot of effort and blood loss to completely extract the chemical from. Even then he wasn’t sure it would cure them completely as he never waited around long enough to find out.

“There you are.” He said not caring who could hear him. He looked across the road over four lanes of traffic, the farthest smelling yet he briefly contemplated, at a scrawny looking woman with thin, ravaged, dirty blond hair. She looked drawn and very frail. He took a deep breath and smelt the chemical that was coursing through her veins. It smelt like it always did. A rich tangy metallic smell with a hint of sweat and salt. He both loved and hated the it in equal measure. He casually walked to the nearest crossing and made his way over to her side of the road.

“I’ll get the money tonight mate. Don’t worry.” She said loudly down her phone. Bruce kept a good distance behind her and even if he had stayed on the other side of the road he could’ve clearly smelt her. The scent is always strongest in people who will or who have committed serious crimes. He was confident he could over power her as he always is in the prelude to extracting the chemical. It was the screaming and blood he had to worry about. She pocketed the phone and turned down an alleyway. One of many things Bruce loved about Manchester was how in most cases one alleyway led into another which will eventually lead you back to its centre or back to where you started. He had tried to explain this to a lot of people but they could only slightly understand what he was saying. He remembered mumbling a lot before he became what he is today. He did prefer some things about being human than being a chemical vampire but he hated a lot of things as well. His lack of confidence to say what he wanted to say or do what he wanted to do was something he did not miss at all.

He looked around to see where she was. He spotted her in the distance standing on a street corner. She was stepping from side to side and waiting for something. He knew what she was waiting for. She moved like every other prostitute he’d ever seen. But the chemical was so rich within her that she was more of a danger to her client’s life than the average prostitute was. A silver BMW drove passed and then slowly turned around. Bruce quickly walked up to the car as it pulled up next to her.

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8 thoughts on “A small slice of my NaNoWriMo 2013 novel. Constructive feedback is most welcome.

  1. First impression… I’d write this in first person and I’m not a first person writer, but this has that feel, it’d read better in first person. I want to be Bruce. My other thoughts, you’ve got a lot of passive voice in it. Over use of the word It. Maybe it’s an American thing, but the word here is smelled, not smelt. In the second to last paragraph, you take us out of the suspense with the information about why he loves Manchester.
    Has potential. There are some other punctual items, but as you’re still in the draft phase, I’ll leave them. Good luck.

  2. First impression… I’d write this in first person and I’m not a first person writer, but this has that feel, it’d read better in first person. I want to be Bruce. My other thoughts, you’ve got a lot of passive voice in it. Over use of the word It. Maybe it’s an American thing, but the word here is smelled, not smelt. In the second to last paragraph, you take us out of the suspense with the information about why he loves Manchester.
    Has potential. There are some other punctual items, but as you’re still in the draft phase, I’ll leave them. Good luck.

  3. I really like it the story. I don’t know why you were holding out on me, eh Bruce! I can only see Travis Street after you mentioned the Hooker haha.

    I would refer to them as Them to emphasise that they are the dictatorship (Similarly use They instead of they etc.).

    Last line, “A silver BMW drove passed” should be “A silver BMW drove past.”

    If it was just “A silver BMW passed”, that would be fine, but you’ve got a verb in there.

    Info here for clarification:

    http://www.grammar-monster.com/easily_confused/past_passed.htm

  4. Nice plot synopsis. Not a good start to a book or story. Go to your library and open 100 books and read the first page or so. Learn how to start.
    Most starts have a person having a problem. That is what I call an Analog SF start as one issue had only that.

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